A murder is always a violent bloodshed, a gruesome recreation of contempt witnessed by the entire world…

Those were the reflections that crossed my mind as I stared at the television while taking a sip of my mom’s chamomile tea, which was getting cold. It was a holiday for me but my mom had to scurry to work. She frequently brewed chamomile tea but failed to drink it before she left for work making the sweet chamomile tea my favourite over time. Amid cold winter, the sweetness and warmth of chamomile tea was a consolation against the loneliness of my home.
My mom was a complex person to understand. She was a single mom and from what I had gathered from her frenzy of drunk nights, the love of her life, my father left her after I was born not to mention she yearned for him.
My mom wasn’t impoverished, but she wasn’t affluent either. We just had adequate funds to make the ends meet. My mom took care of all my needs and she worked hard for that. Seeing her do her best to provide for me, I kept my wants to myself. No matter how much I hoped for them, I never pondered over fancy items. What I had was sufficient and I was content with it.
I couldn’t say that Mom and I had the most promising relationship but we were good friends. She supported and took care of me, therefore in return, I always lived up to be the ideal child. I completed my school work by myself and aided with minor house chores. Sometimes I would sit with her and listen to her heartbreak. She was too intoxicated to remember but I recalled every word she said. Though some disclosures did hurt, on the next morning she would go back to her everyday self making me wonder why I spent the entire nighttime worrying and grieving over drunken words.
Nonetheless, something that I lately noticed was how my mother’s attitude enhanced over the timespan of several months. She would even bring me chocolates when she came home late at night which was a real delicacy for me. She also looked more relaxed and sunnier than usual which also got me happy. All my life I have had my mom too busy and under tension and ultimately she was having a good time. I wished that happiness among us would last forever. If only I knew…Nothing lasts forever.

On one fateful morning in the frigid winter, I woke up to my mom organizing my entire room and placing items in boxes. I was perplexed.
“Good morning Mom!”. I greeted her.
“Oh! Good morning Nara!” She greeted back but kept hurriedly organizing my items. Mom didn’t even look at me.

“Mom?”
“Yes, Nara?”
“Are we moving out”
I pushed out those words with much difficulty. Moving out from one home to another was a normal occurrence in my life. With the changes in mom’s careers and when the rent was too high, we often changed our homes.
“Umm, yes Nara it is more like that. Now get yourself cleaned up and have breakfast. I will take you to the festival in the city in the evening so get ready for that”
She almost stuttered when she said ‘yes’ but I brushed it off. It was just another typical day. I said to myself though I could not shake off the heavy feeling in my stomach.
Time passed swiftly and by midday, Mom had already cleaned up and had gotten all our belongings into several boxes. We didn’t have much to move anyhow.
“Wear something warm and comfy Nara”
Mom advised me before she also left to get ready. I wore my favorite dress and put on a warm coat. When we were about to leave, Mom called me and put on a winter jacket on me. I wasn’t feeling that frigid to need two coats but the extra warmth the jacket gave me was relaxing.
The drive to the carnival was remarkably quiet except for the sound of tires and other vehicles passing by occasionally. Usually, mom always played her favored band Arctic Monkeys when she drove somewhere but today she appeared to be caught up in something. She gripped the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white and always sighed. I wondered why she looked so overwhelmed and grim, just like our surroundings.
Even though it was noon, the surroundings looked gloomy. All the trees looked like skeletons covered in snow. The picture painted by nature was black and white. It wasn’t the coldness that made me dislike the beautiful and mystic winter, it was the lack of color and light.
After a few hours, the lifeless trees were no more and all I could see were towering buildings and street lamps. We had arrived at the city and my heartbeat fastened. I had never felt so excited in so long. I didn’t know if it was anxiety or excitement that was bubbling in my stomach. I held my mom’s cold hand in my warm one and followed her toward the entrance of the carnival jovially. It had been so long since we spent time together. If only I knew this was the last time we would be together….

The carnival looked mesmerizing. There were massive structures made of ice, colorful lights, and numerous food stalls. There were so many people delighted and relishing. I felt nice peeking at them but I didn’t know why I felt a sudden coldness when I saw mothers and fathers playing happily with their children. I was wearing two coats so why did my heart feel so cold and desolate?
The carnival had all someone could ever ask for in a winter festival. Music, food stalls, giant structures made of ice, fun rides and so more. I felt so appreciative that my mom brought me here to enjoy. She was doing all this for me, wasn’t she? The thought itself was sufficient for me.
Mom and I had so much joy in the carnival. We built a snowman, I rode the merry-go-round and she even bought me several snacks. For me, the several hours spent with her at the carnival were nothing short of pure bliss. I felt like I was on the top of the world. It felt so unreal to think that I could hold that much happiness in my tiny heart. I wished for that euphoric sensation to last forever but only if I knew, that nothing lasts forever.
After spending more time doing various amusing activities, Mom and I sat on a bench and took some rest. She gently took my petite hand in hers and kissed the top of it. If it was some other day, I would have felt treasured but today, it was different. The kiss was cold and I felt shivers run down my spine. No matter how much I tried to make myself think otherwise, my sixth sense was telling me that this was not good. To make matters worse, my mom’s eyes glistened and I could tell that her eyes were dampening.
“Mom, is something wrong? Are you exhausted?”
I asked, genuinely concerned for her. She lightly shook her head and held my hand again. Her hands felt cold.
“No, Nara darling, I think something went inside my eyes and so they are tearing up”
She lightly smiled at me. Since I was born, mom was the only person I had and though our relationship might not have been sunshine and butterflies, I adored and trusted her. So I let her words soothe my racing heart and joined her to stare at nothingness while holding hands.
After a while, Mom took a deep breath and faced me. Her hands lightly shook as she took mine in hers and she looked straight into my eyes with so much emotion that I felt a tug at my heart.
“Nara dear, let’s get some popcorn okay? I’ll go and buy some. You just stay here okay… don’t take off the jacket darling, mom loves you”
She stared intensely into my eyes and kissed my cheek. Then she made her way towards the food stalls and faded into the crowd while I stayed frozen to the spot. It was just a kiss, it was just a kiss… I kept repeating to myself until I zoned out again.
A chilly breeze took me out of my trance and by the time I looked around, it was already murky outside. There was no popcorn, and neither there was mom. The queue must be long. I lied to myself though I knew very well that enough time had passed already. Had something happened to Mom? Was she safe? I couldn’t help but agonize.
After what felt like an eternity, I decided to walk around to find her. My mom could be needing some help and I could not wash away that thought from my mind. It was already getting dimmer and slowly but steadily, horror started to creep into my bones. It was a feeling I had never felt before. Suddenly I could feel everyone staring and pointing their fingers at me while laughing evilly but when I turned around, no one was even looking at me. Everyone was enjoying themselves and I stood like a limp tree in winter while the lively crowd around me moved about. I tried to think what could have possibly gone wrong but my brain was foggy, I couldn’t process anything at all. A heavy feeling settled in my chest and merely breathing felt like a workout. The surroundings became blurry and I was struggling to breathe. I was fatigued from walking all around the carnival area so I sat myself on the very same bench I did earlier with my mom. All the thoughts that could have happened to my mom swirled in my mind. The terror of losing the only loved one I have in my life terrorized me. The surroundings were getting darker and colder with each passing second and I felt grateful that Mom had given me the winter jacket or else I would have already frozen to death. I tucked my cold hands inside the jacket pockets and that’s when I felt a piece of paper inside its pocket. Wondering what it must be, I took the small letter into my quivering hands and tried to open it. At that moment I didn’t know what caused the tremble anymore, whether it was the coldness or the anxiety. I was too much at the same time I didn’t know what to feel anymore. The letter was addressed to me and it was mom’s handwriting. Without wasting any time, I started reading it, only to find my entire world crashing down.

My dear Nara,
This is mom. I am sorry darling. I am very sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. The past several years had been hell for me. You were a bright light but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t live like that anymore. I am going to get my life and lover back darling. So please, forgive me. Your baggage has already been sent to the orphanage. Ask a nearby police officer to take you to the address below. I hope you stay safe.
‘No.263/46, Stanley Road, Auburn’
With love, your mom.

My heart felt as if it had been hammered down into a million pieces. ‘I am going to get my life and lover back….’ I struggled to breathe as the realization started to kick in. The past several years had been hell for me. For all these years, I have been a thorn by her side and today was the day she finally got rid of it. I was the weight that held her down. I was the monster who downed all her youth and happiness. I felt awful. I felt so desolate and unwanted.
I was feeling breathless so I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate. So Mom had left me, here, alone, in the freezing winter, all by myself. It had been her plan all along, the moving out, the coat, the last kiss of goodbye… There were many indications but I was too naïve to notice. The change in her demeanor, her being late at night, the chocolates she brought for me, everything was calm before the storm. But it might not have been the beginning. I should have sensed her distaste in her life when I attended to her drunk admissions, how she fancied her life before me, how she admired her lover, and how her eyes became dull when she looked at me. And all this time I clinged on to her with all my might. I started to wonder if she hated me. Was all the love she offered me a pretense? Am I unlovable? Isn’t there any person on this earth who could love me unconditionally? Does my father dislike me that much to the point where he won’t want me near him? Am I so unimportant to my mom that she would toss me away on a cold winter night to settle in with her lover? If the people who created me and offered me my life do not want me anymore, was there any reason for my existence in this world?
A million thoughts swirled inside my mind and soul so violently that they killed the light I had inside me as well as a part of me that I could never earn back. That moment of realization was the time of little Nara’s death. It was the moment when the people who offered me life murdered me, on a freezing winter night.

After 12 years

It has been many years since and today I am a successful woman. later today I will be opening my orphanage because growing up, I came through hurricanes and tragedies a child my age should have never encountered which made me determined to open a safe space for lost children like me. I started to sip my warm and bitter black tea thinking how much my life had changed over the past years, from chamomile tea to black tea, from a radiant bubbly character to a dull and closed personality, and from a free beating heart to a heart encircled by walls.

It took me time to realize that not all murders involve gore, blood, or awareness. Some murders were left unseen because no violence or blood spilling was involved and the victims had to bury the corpse by themselves. But one thing I am certain of is that since that day I lost the light inside me, my dead heart had never beaten the same.